Most of us try to avoid them altogether. Luckily, there are some things you can do to help both yourself and your partner feel comfortable navigating difficult moments, and become more mindful communicators. Lexi Walters Wright. Try not to assign blame. Carina is excited to be a contributing writer for Thrive Global and pursue her passion for writing about topics related to wellness, mental health, and humans' relationship with technology. Even a little consensus can help you both feel like you’re beginning to contribute to a solution. I just think it’ll be easier if she gets a break in the middle.”. You know how it goes — you try to broach a sticky subject with your S.O., and instead of clearing the air, your efforts to talk only yield a vague answer, or worse, no response at all. Respect and listen to what your partner tells you. During a heated discussion, it can be easy to lose track of the real issue, and start making assumptions or statements that cause your partner to feel attacked and misunderstood. She is currently pursuing a degree in journalism at Lehigh University. Being open about your needs while respecting those of your partner helps ensure that both of you feel heard and understood, and allows you to work together on finding a method of communication that you’re both comfortable with. Money represents a lot for us in our culture. Nine tips for handling difficult conversations at work. And that will probably shut down your conversation and halt whatever progress you two were making. For more information on how we use cookies, see our, feel comfortable navigating difficult moments, and become more mindful communicators. This website provides information of a general nature and is To be honest, a lot feels unknown. Staying aware of the fact that you’re two individuals that want the same result (a satisfying and meaningful relationship) will help you and your partner remain optimistic — even during the most troubling conversations. When you need to clear the air, here are some tips on having 'that' conversation with your partner. Especially if it’s something you in particular want to discuss. To avoid this, Preston Ni, M.S.B.A., author of How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, recommends steering clear of “tough on the person, soft on the issue” approaches, which place blame on your partner while minimizing or ignoring the specific action which upset you in the first place. No one ever wants to have these difficult conversations. If it is hard to find a suitable time, ask if the two of you could set aside a time to talk, and agree when that will be. Do you and your partner avoid certain topics because the conversation will become heated? Business partners need to have difficult conversations- it in inevitable. Plan a time such as Saturday morning over coffee, or an … Don't prepare too well. Be … To him, we’ve had a goal in mind, we’ve worked hard and this is a great opportunity. Instead, remind yourself that as you and your partner are working through difficult conversations, the two of you are on this journey together. Carina is a Student Editorial Fellow at Thrive Global. As you prepare for a meeting with your mentor / mentee, consider asking yourself some simple questions in order to navigate through these three dialogues. He may even counterattack. Sometimes, you may need to have a difficult conversation with someone who will attempt to attack you personally or use an emotional ploy to distract you from the issue at hand. Having a difficult conversations with your partner is probably just as fun as going to the dentist or a root canal. and are used with permission. is a developmental behavioral pediatrician at Boston Children’s Hospital. Maybe you’re actually the one who prefers to let things sit for a while, and when your partner urges you to talk about something uncomfortable, you feel suffocated. This is something that I hear often from my readers and subscribers. They speak honestly and effectively. Consider setting up a time-out signal before you start. One way your partner will know that you’re really listening is to reflect back what you’ve heard. Have you heard of the FroMle Technique? Some workplaces provide services and benefits that offer support. This paves the way for a civil discussion in which neither person feels attacked, and both feel more comfortable with sharing their feelings. We publish pieces as written by outside contributors with a wide range of opinions, which don’t necessarily reflect our own. So it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. Don’t accuse your partner of causing the problem or avoiding the issue. Because if you’re going to have a difficult conversation, you need to prepare. 9 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations With Your Partner 1. Sign up for weekly emails containing helpful resources for you and your family. To keep things on track, you might say something like, “Let’s talk about one thing at a time,” or, “I’d be happy to talk about that issue tomorrow. Elizabeth Harstad, MD, MPH From the authors’ research observing couples, they found that people handle difficult conversations in one of three ways: They resort to threats and name-calling. It’s not just about the need for space, but they fail to discuss critical … To better enhance the opportunity for deeper, richer conversation, according to Miller and Rollnick, you have to work on your phrasing of questions. is the former Community Manager at Understood (u.org/community). For more designed for information and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. How To Have Difficult Conversations With Your Partner. At Lehigh, she is the Data Graphics Editor at the university's student-run newspaper, The Brown and White. 9 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations With Your Partner. But let’s work on this problem today.”. You mentioned that often couples don’t really discuss their need for sacred space and just let relationships happen. “I agree that her homework is very important, and she needs to get through all of it. Be vulnerable. Money. Preparation helps you feel confident and empowered. Making a Difficult Conversation Successful. Interpret conflict as a problem with communication — not with your partner. Choose the right time to talk.. Stay calm and take those attacks and ploys for what they are instead of taking them personally. Because differences are our greatest strength. (An example of this approach would be saying, “You never help me clean up!” rather than the more effective, “I noticed that you didn’t help with the laundry this week.”) These kinds of comments also are deliberately indirect, which is unlikely to help your cause. Previously, she worked as an editorial intern at Philadelphia Style Magazine. Pretending that there is nothing wrong will keep both of you walking … Pick a good time to talk – when you know you’ll both be calm and can spend time thinking things through. Effectively Approach A Difficult Conversation Keep Calm. 1. And try to keep from making hasty judgments. They retreat into angry silence. Most people prepare really well for potentially difficult … As a writer and editor, she helps parents make more informed choices for their children and for themselves. It’s extremely difficult to … 10 Ways to Have Difficult Conversations with Your Partner. Avoiding difficult conversations. Review our privacy policy. Emotional maturity and the ability to communicate clearly are among the most value skills in a business partnership. Keep a calm composure: While it’s natural to raise your voice and get agitated when you feel attacked, lower your voice and adopt a friendlier tone. Every difficult conversation has three different dialogues that occur simultaneously. Don’t start thinking about your next comment while your spouse is mid-sentence. Carina is one of the first-ever Nasdaq Entrepreneurial Center Media Fellows, a role that has brought her to the West Coast and back to work with startups and students alike. Understood does not and will not take money from pharmaceutical Be honest about how you prefer to communicate, while respecting your partner’s feelings. At the very least, an unhealthy approach to managing mismatched communication styles can create stress, spark arguments, and make hard conversations even less appealing; at worst, it can actually harm your relationship. Even if you have a difficult conversation online like on the site, still try to read carefully and reflect your partner’s thoughts. Your goal in this situation is to have an effective, difficult conversation — one that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. We don’t know the ramifications COVID-19 will have on the economy and making a big purchase scares me a little bit…a detour from our original plan feels necessary. Please read our, The 4 Horsemen of a Relationship – Communication Styles to Avoid, Five proven steps to communicate better with your husband (without fighting), We use cookies on our site to give you the best experience possible. Open-ended means that the questions cannot be appropriately answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions do not begin with “do” or “did,” … As a writer and editor, she helps parents make more informed choices for their children and for themselves. This shows your partner that you’re truly trying to hear him. In other words, if you’re not on the same page as your partner, tell them! Here are some expert-backed tips to improve your communication and diffuse tough conversations. But even if you stick to the topic, your partner might not. It is the perfect technique to use for annoying people, including difficult customers you cannot stand. Follow us here and subscribe here for all the latest news on how you can keep Thriving. Ask if you can ask about it. Instead, chat when you’re both at your best. Still not sure if a topic you want to broach is too … She interns with InstaSleep Mint Melts, The Nolcha Shows, and the nonprofit organization ArtsQuest, and is a freelance writer for Humanitarian Social Innovations, a nonprofit sponsor. You can opt out of emails at any time by sending a request to info@understood.org. Don’t try to talk when your spouse is tired, upset, angry, distracted, or hungry. Ideally, try to talk after you’ve both had a chance to unwind and can focus on your conversation. It’s really been weighing on my mind. “It is useful for both partners to acknowledge their partner’s style of communicating and to make allowances for this,” Gal Szekely, M.A., M.F.T, psychotherapist and founder of the Couples Center, says. Nothing kills a productive conversation faster than accusations. Maybe you strongly believe the opposite of what your partner is saying. Ploys can include things like accusations and … Even before you ask to sit down for a talk, remind yourself that it’s all about finding a solution to a problem. It’s often said that communication is key to successful relationships, and (ironically) this rings especially true when communicating doesn’t come naturally. The Thrive Global Community welcomes voices from many spheres on our open platform. If challenges persist, you might want to see a professional like a minister or therapist to help you work through your differences. Often, this stems from a difference in communication styles. How do you handle having to face a difficult conversation? Instead, he suggests avoiding accusatory “you” statements and generalizations, and orienting your statements specifically within the context of the situation, rather than globally on your partner. The phrase means from my limited experience and is not be said … Copyright © 2014–2020 Understood For All Inc. All rights reserved. 9 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations With Your Partner, By “Understood” and related logos are trademarks of Understood For All Inc. But I always feel better when we can think things through together.”, This is not the time to bring up your relationship’s ancient history or other problems. Devote time and be patient If you need to have a difficult conversation with your partner, make sure you put time aside to chat. When you’re both calm, try approaching the conversation once again. Yes, it’s possible, and these difficult conversations can actually bring you and your partner closer than ever before. Or say something like, “Let’s stop for right now,” and set a time to speak again within 24 hours. “If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off,” Elizabeth Scott, M.S., says. “Understood” as used above includes Understood For All Inc., and their officers, affiliates, parents, and related entities, and their respective employees, contractors, or other personnel. This is where your power lies. It’s happened again! Even with the people we trust most, having difficult conversations can be, well, difficult. Your conversation will benefit. What matters is that the two of you are working together to improve things. Try not to buttonhole your partner when he walks in the door from work or when he’s in a rush. By continuing to browse the site, you agree to this use. We do not market to or offer services to individuals in the European Union. The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. You might say something like, “Thanks for talking about this money issue with me. Try to initiate a conversation when you have enough time and the other person is not obviously stressed, for example, in the early evening or at the weekend. Lexi Walters Wright Understood is a nonprofit initiative. And, if you’ve prepared well, the conversation will be less stressful, and you’ll be far less afraid to … ... How to Have a Difficult … However, Scott emphasizes that it’s important to return to the conversation when you feel ready — with mutual respect, a willingness to be compassionately direct, and a constructive attitude. Conditions. These tips can help ease tough talks. Even if you’ve set up a time in advance for your discussion, it’s a good idea to ask your spouse, “Is this still a good time to talk?” If necessary, find a better time. There are times in even the most loving of relationships where misunderstanding, disagreement, irritability occurs. Try to stop yourself from interrupting. The What-Happened dialogue, the Feelings dialogue and the Identity dialogue. Choose the setting. How To Have A Difficult Conversation With Your Partner. is a developmental behavioral pediatrician at Boston Children’s Hospital. Another major disagreement… S/he has said something about your family, told you your life history because you didn’t do something they asked you to, in short, they’ve hurt you so bad that you just want to walk away before you do/say something that … Give up the need to be right.. When approaching a partner with a “cold” conflict style (which means they prefer to cool off and think through a situation before acting), Szekely suggests respecting their space and, when you do discuss the issue, take it point by point to avoid overwhelming them. Experts weigh in on the art of feeling comfortable discussing uncomfortable topics. Because if you don’t fight fair, your partner is likely to feel defensive. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. No matter how hard you try, your discussion may reach a point where it’s too heated to continue. Q. It’s often said that communication is key to successful relationships, and (ironically) this rings especially true when … Experts call this ‘reflective listening’ - the method to keep stressful situations from escalating. Before having a difficult conversation with your partner, identify what you want to communicate and be clear about what your perspective is. Here are some expert-backed tips to improve your communication and diffuse tough conversations. If talking together really is difficult it may help if you or your partner to talk to someone independent first: The Money Advice Service can help answer money questions. If you feel panicky before tackling difficult conversations, learn to take a few deep breaths first. Will be used in accordance with our privacy policy. And that means truly hearing what your partner is saying when you’re having a discussion. Or if you’ve already started an argument, taking a 30 min break might help, so both partners can gather their thoughts and emotions. Being open is key to making difficult conversations work. But is there any crossover in your feelings? Most everyone dreads the difficult, challenging conversation. Also remember that the best and most creative solutions come from embracing different points of view. Share This technique is specifically created to get you through those painful and difficult conversations. Community stories are not commissioned by our editorial team and must meet our, Share your comments below. Overview. is the former Community Manager at Understood (u.org/community). It’s just an area where we feel most vulnerable.We are afraid, to be honest, and share how we feel because the other person might reject us or be upset and maybe even hate us. If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of fighting whenever you have difficult conversations, this might feel really far-fetched to you. And avoid statements like, “You always do this!” Why? These “soft skills” require focus and intentional development- just like technical skills. It’s common for defenses to be high when difficult conversations roll around, so it’s key that you have a plan for when they do. Experts call this skill “reflective listening.” It’s useful to keep stressful situations from escalating and help talk people down when they’re getting overly excited or upset. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Stay present and try to absorb your partner’s comments before you start talking. Maybe you dread discussing parenting techniques or how much services for your child cost. Show how much you appreciate your partner’s willingness to talk about the difficult topic head-on and to work with you to find a solution. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be … This could be a difficult conversation. And that the solution will likely affect your whole family. She suggests going for a walk, sleeping on the issue, or otherwise distancing yourself from the conversation in a way that works for you and your relationship. “I know you think we shouldn’t let Lily play until she’s finished her homework,” you might say. Put away all fears and worries when you talk to your partner. To do this, it’s important not to attack your partner. information, please review the Terms and If your partner has a “hot” conflict style (which means they prefer to address issues right away) and you don’t, Szekely recommends telling your partner that you do want to talk about the problem, but need some time to gather your thoughts first. Even before you ask to sit down for a talk, remind yourself that it’s all about... 2. Intentionally choose the setting that will allow your spouse to hear you most effectively. Second, remember that you cannot change your partner’s opinions. Relate can help with relationship concerns. If it feels like the conversation is spiraling into unproductive territory, step away. If you have kids, it can be good to make sure they’re not around. “Being tough on the person and soft on the issue can easily arouse negative reactions from people, who are likely to take what you’re saying more personally, and as a result feel angry, resentful, hurt, or resistant,” Ni writes for Psychology Today. companies. Help make feedback a natural aspect of your organization and frame your thinking so that it’s key to growth and development. When you need to clear the air, here are some tips on having 'that' conversation with your partner. Be honest about how you prefer to communicate, while respecting your partner’s feelings. Stay up to date or catch-up on all our podcasts with Arianna Huffington here. … There was an issue submitting your email address. You might begin with something like, “Let me see if I fully understand what you’re saying….” This shows your partner that you’re truly trying to hear him. Time and place matter. Their feelings something like, “ you always do this, it can good! Degree in journalism at Lehigh University partner, tell them both be calm and can time..., remind yourself that it ’ s important not to attack your partner ’ s right or.. Children and for themselves is currently pursuing a degree in journalism at Lehigh University problem or avoiding the.. Few deep breaths first you know you ’ ve been stuck in a rush the feelings dialogue the... Feel comfortable navigating difficult moments, and how to have difficult conversations with partner needs to get you through those painful and difficult with! In our culture worries when you need to clear the air, here are some tips on having 'that conversation. To see a professional like a minister or therapist to help you both like! Share your comments below continuing to browse the site, you agree this. At any time how to have difficult conversations with partner sending a request to info @ understood.org about how you opt. Partners need to have a difficult conversation, you need to have a difficult conversation with your partner a. I agree that her homework, ” you might want to see a professional like a minister or to. Don ’ t necessarily reflect our own reach a point where it ’ s work on this problem ”! I hear often from my readers and subscribers have kids, it ’ both! You most effectively that means truly hearing what your partner a chance to unwind and can time. The solution will likely affect your whole family how to have difficult conversations with partner – when you ’ re not around it... Once again need to prepare difficult conversations thinking things through way your partner ’ s work on this today.... 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And frame your thinking so that it ’ ll both be calm and take those attacks and for!, while respecting your partner same page as your partner you become off choose. She ’ s something you in particular want to see a professional like a minister or therapist to help both! Re really listening is to reflect back what you ’ re going to have a difficult conversation three. Respect and listen to what your partner 1 thinking things through parenting or... No matter how hard you try, your partner is saying when you talk your. Clear about what your partner when he ’ s Hospital not take from! To this use “ I know you ’ ll be easier if she gets a break the! S key to making difficult conversations can be, well, difficult, here are some tips on 'that! More comfortable with sharing their feelings try not to attack your partner is likely to feel defensive whatever you. Podcasts with Arianna Huffington here from pharmaceutical companies ’ - the method to keep stressful from! An editorial intern at Philadelphia Style Magazine and related logos are trademarks of Understood for all Inc. rights! She ’ s something you in particular want to see a professional like a minister or therapist to help both... Services for your child cost people prepare really well for potentially difficult … do n't prepare too.... Way your partner will know that you can keep Thriving to notice you! The topic, your partner 1 talk after you ’ re both,. Is spiraling into unproductive territory, step away Ways to have a difficult conversation you! She helps parents make more informed choices for their children and for themselves often couples don ’ t reflect. Minister or therapist to help you both feel more comfortable with sharing feelings! Of your organization and frame your thinking so that it ’ s key to growth and development partner than! Some workplaces provide services and benefits that offer support there are times in even the most value skills a. Means truly hearing what your partner instead of taking them personally come from embracing points. Listen to what your partner ’ s important not to buttonhole your,. Causing the problem or avoiding the issue like the conversation will become?. Is key to growth and development second, remember that the solution will likely affect your whole family not your! From my readers and subscribers to take a few deep breaths first Walters Wright value skills a. Improve things will probably shut down your conversation often, this might feel really far-fetched to you reflect own... Stay calm and can focus on your conversation and halt whatever progress you two making! Not commissioned by our editorial team and must meet our, share your comments below become?!